Breakthrough Stories
“I have eternal gratitude to you for your role in my journey - a true angel that held my hand, guided me through dark times, showed me where to find the light and how to help myself stand up again.”
When I Was a Young Boy
When I was a young boy I loved fighting and war games. It certainly had something to do with my father who had enlisted in the army when Chamberlain declared war on the Nazi’s after they had invaded Poland, it was the start of the 2nd World War. As a young child I was fascinated by his stories especially on a Saturday morning when I’d climb into his bed and ask him, “Can you tell me a story of the war Dad?” He was definitely my hero, but of course I can only understand now, that his qualities of modesty and courage, never showing off, with an attitude of fairness and caring for the underdog, a fighter and a gentleman were values that took hold in me. So in my games and imagination, I played a lot of war games. I can still see myself, camouflaged high in a neighbour’s tree imagining shooting the enemy to free their captives. Suddenly I realized that what I was really doing was wanting to save the captives. I was about 10 years old and I realised my games were all really about peace and protection. I felt for the suffering of others and learned this is called empathy. As I grew and developed I made choices to live by this value, caring for the suffering of others. I felt called to make a difference.
Care, Self Confidence & Courage
When I lived in Australia I went on an outing with my Lower Primary 6-9 year olds from Riverlands School. We were visiting the new Maritime Museum in Fremantle, a double story building with giant, curving structures like sails, reminiscent of the Sydney Opera House. When we arrived on the second floor and stood in front of a giant window that stretched from floor to ceiling, I was surprised to see a girl holding back from the window. Her Mum whispered to me, “Scared of heights”. Later, the guide led the class across a decking section directly below the curving, sail-like roof. The girl stood back, alone. I knelt down beside her and said, “It’s the way you think about it you know. Your fear of heights is real, but so is your knowledge of science. You know the builders would have made the floor safe for all the visitors to walk across it.” She nodded silently. Then I asked, “Which part of your brain is going to win? The fearful part or the part that trusts in science? You can take my hand if you like and see how it feels”. But I needn’t have worried for she took a breath and strode off alone. It was a wonderful moment to be able to say to her, “I see your courage has won my friend. You must be feeling really proud of yourself”.
Later in the week I gave the girl the opportunity to pick the Virtue of the Week. She picked ‘Tact’. This was quite amazing for there are fifty-two virtue cards and it was the third time in a month that ‘Tact’ had been picked. The class discussed again how important tact is, to say your thoughts in a way others can hear you. It’s the way kind leaders include others and build trust in the group. The girl then picked another card from the virtue pack. It was ‘Consideration’. Later, after discussing these virtues, the girl came to me and expressed her wonder and appreciation. She was amazed that she had picked the two virtues that I had demonstrated earlier in the week to help her find courage and confidence.
Evan’s Story of Empowerment & Restoration
When I started teaching Evan in pre-primary he was as intense a boy as I had known and already had a negative reputation amongst the parents of his pre-school. Within a short time he revealed his great skill at sport. He played sport like his life was at stake. Fiercely competitive, determined and courageous to the point of recklessness, he would periodically find himself in front of me during break telling me that nobody wanted to play with him. Each time we would have a conversation similar to the below:
Me: What happened when the others stopped playing with you Evan?
Evan: David got upset and shouted at me and wouldn’t play and the others also stopped.
Me: Please get David so we can hear the full story.
Me: Hi David, I see you are upset. What happened with Evan?
David: Evan kept taking the ball. He shouted at me when I made a mistake. I got cross Evan shouted and kicked me. But Evan never passes.
Me: Okay thanks D, Evan what happened for you?
Evan: D always mucks up and I wanted to score and win.
Me: But now there is no game to win is there, Evan?
Evan: No!
Me: Seems like the others are upset with you again.
Evan: Yes!
Me: Okay, let’s go over what we talked about last time this happened. You know you are one of the best at soccer that I have ever seen at your age. You kick with both feet, you are enthusiastic, a natural, and your determination to win is powerful. These virtues will be your great strength through life. But if you forget to include other virtues in your mix, then your strengths will also be your biggest challenge. Which virtues can you add to your mix so that the other children don’t get hurt and want to stop playing with you?
Evan reflects and scans the virtues chart.
Evan: Respect… Consideration
Me: Good, you’ve remembered them now. I’d like to add in patience and tolerance, because each person is different and has a different set of gifts. Yours is soccer, but if you can’t be a team player, then you can’t win either, because being a team player is about including everyone. Patience allows you to take turns and share while tolerance allows you to respect that each of you are different with different skills and abilities.
Evan: Yes …
Me: David, would you like to continue playing with Evan.
David: Yes, I would, but he mustn’t shout at me and he must pass the ball and give me a turn.
Evan: Okay, David, I’ll try to do that. I’ll try respect and have consideration.
Me: What can you say to each other to mend what has happened.
The boys shake hands, maybe hug and affirm they will try to use consideration, respect and determination.
Evan: Nodi, I promise never to do it again.
Me: Thank you Evan. I hope you are able to do this, but if not, I will listen again and work with you to make amends every time until one day, it won’t happen again. I encourage you to be inclusive and be a great leader and team member.
We affirm that practise does not make perfect, but that it does make improvement. David and Evan go off the best of friends again, confident and trusting that the are supported to be their best selves.
Here we see how Evan’s particular genetic make up, his biology, his character, dominates and almost always wins. This kind of boy would, without the scaffolding and nurture of a supportive and effective adult, become more and more alienated and even likely become a bully with many conflict situations in his life, leading through to adulthood.